last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Randomize