dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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