So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
