before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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