I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
