i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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