hotel room ftw
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
