we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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