I just made out with a guy for $7.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
