I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
