He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
