I'm lost and stupid without you.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
