sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just made my gag reflex go away.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
