she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This is classic penis vs brain.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
