Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
