The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
we should paint friendship bongs
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