HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
