if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
