I think scott just propositioned me for sex
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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