wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Randomize
