I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
