2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
