You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
