I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
