If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
