dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
