This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
