i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
