Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
