My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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