Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
