So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
