how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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