if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
