A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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