I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
