i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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