thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
