who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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