..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
