i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
