the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
