Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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