tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
