Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
