i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Someone came in the potted fern
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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