This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
