There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
