She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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