I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
