32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
