Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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