Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
