I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
