i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
