My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
