You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
