all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
