Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
