I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
