I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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