I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
