It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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